Thoughts on Parenting

Education and Creativity

It's pretty clear from what we write here that Elisa and I have chosen to home-school our kids, at least for their younger years. What may not be so clear are the reasons for that choice. As with any important decision like education, the reasons are numerous and complex, but this talk from TED cuts to the heart of how I feel about education. Yes, education is a good thing. But for those kids who think differently, or can't sit still, or feel emotion more strongly than the rest of us, school can be - and often is - a place where they are robbed of their potential and their future.

In this talk, Ken Robinson argues that schools all over the world exhibit a hierarchy of subjects: first comes mathematics, then languages, then the humanities, and arts at the bottom. And in the arts, drama and dance fall below art and music. He asserts that the education system educates us from the waist up, eventually focusing only on our heads...and slightly to one side. This may produce great university professors, but it can eliminate creativity and innovation altogether in some.

It's funny, engaging, moving, and thought-provoking. It is well-worth the 20 minutes of your life it would take to watch, and so I thought I would share it with you all. I know home-schooling is not an option or a possibility for everyone, but encouraging creativity begins at home by turning off the TV and taking away the DS or PSP. It's not just their future you're affecting...it's the entire world.

Making Time for Family

Every family is busy these days, and ours is certainly no exception. With a father doing doctoral work full-time while holding multiple part-time jobs, a mom who freelances, home-schools and serves on the board of the kids' cooperative preschool, and two very active young children, finding time together is always a paramount concern.

When the challenge came up to blog about finding family time in a freeway world, I decided it would be a good exercise to sit down and think about what we do to protect our time together. Since the beginning of our marriage, Duane and I have been very conscious of protecting our time as a couple. Once the kids came along, it wasn’t any different… we just had to be a little more creative!

Here’s a short list of some intentional things we’ve done to carve out more family time:

• Live near work. When we moved to our current town, we knew we wanted to be within walking distance of campus. That way we could maximize little bits of time that Duane might have in between classes. A picnic lunch at Daddy’s office, or a walk to pick him up could buy an extra 20 minutes with him. Eliminating a 30 minute commute could reclaim up to 20 hours a month!  

• Set aside a family night. With Duane’s performance and class schedule always changing, we realized that there was one night we could pretty much always depend on to be free – Friday night. It also happened to be half price night at our city pool, so Fridays became family swim night and pizza night. I have to admit that a lot of times Duane and I are too tired to do the swimming thing, so sometimes we cop out and get a movie, but it’s always PIZZA night. It’s the one thing the kids can absolutely count on (even if we have to have it at three in the afternoon because of a concert later that night). 

• Limit sports and activities. Our kids participate in just one sport or activity at a time. In addition, we try to keep scheduling down to a minimum on nights and weekends. It’s tough, and sometimes we feel like the only people in America who have this priority, but preserving our family is more important than what type of athlete my child becomes – and I was an athlete growing up. I know that sports can teach valuable things, but so can a loving, relaxed family environment. 

• Protect weekends. We keep one weekend morning completely unscheduled for just family lounging around time. This can be challenging, but we’ve found it to be incredibly rejuvenating not to have to get up and rush somewhere. 

• Prepare meals together. We’ve worked hard to find ways to involve the kids in the kitchen, and it is amazing what they can do and how much they enjoy doing it when you just give them the chance. 

• Limit TV. We’ve talked about this before in terms of what is best for the kids’ brainpower, but it’s also better for the family. When you’re not glued to the TV there is more time for spontaneous, creative things to happen, and these things are usually far better than anything you could have planned because they just happen organically. 

• Celebrate the little things. We celebrate every chance we get around here – first bike ride without training wheels, Daddy passing a big test, the fact that it’s Thursday and we’ve made it through another crazy week. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, just take a few moments as a family to soak up and appreciate these special moments that make life really good. The kids love planning these “little parties” and Cason has become the queen of confetti.

These last two may seem a little extreme, but with everything that demands our time and attention these days, sometimes extreme measures of protecting your family are worth it.

• Home-school. This is a HUGE commitment and is not for everyone, but one I started thinking about long ago (before kids) when Duane was in a very demanding profession. Homeschooling allows for flexibility and family time in a way that public or private school does not. In fact, just this week we were surprised by a last minute day off for Daddy, so we planned a hike and spent the afternoon together just the four of us. The children really needed this after Duane’s tough performance schedule in that last couple of weeks and thanks to homeschooling, we were able to take advantage of it. 

• Live in a small house. When we moved in to our 900-square-foot grad school house, it was only supposed to be for two years. Four years later, we're still here! I will be quick to admit that I am dying to get into a bigger house, but we will most definitely look for something under 2000 square feet. I’ve seen the advantages that a small house has to offer…  and it’s not just vacuuming the whole house without having to unplug!

This post was inspired by the people at Laity Lodge Family Camp. Laity Lodge is an amazing place in the Texas Hill Country that provides a perfect place to get away from it all and reconnect to nature, God and yourself... now you can take the whole family! How fun would family camp be!?!

Protect Your Kids -- Part III

So, how do you work toward the things we've talked about previously?

The most important step is to get a “coach.”  All of the other stuff we've talked about is just a head start on the real planning.  You need to use an attorney who will work with you to create a plan that fits your family, not someone who just fills in the blanks on a glorified form. 

Ask questions and find an attorney who:

1. charges flat fees (not by the hour).
2. will help you coordinate what will happen to your money and who will have access to it.
3. will help you document emergency procedures to provide for your kids in the hours and days following an accident.
4. offers an ongoing membership program to keep your plan up to date.

Estate planning is important for anyone who has children and is a lifetime endeavor. It is never done until you’re gone or disabled.  It’s not a one-time event. There’s no partial credit. If your plan is out of date when you die, it will fail. And you will fail your family. Failure should not be an option.

For more information about family estate planning, visit David Edwards' site or check out Alexis Martin Neely's book, Wear Clean Underwear: A Fast, Fun, Friendly - and essential - Guide to Legal Planning for Busy Parents.

Protect Your Kids -- Part II

As the Coast Guard cutter worked its way meticulously through the search area, I thought of the woman who stopped us on the beach earlier that day. It was the first trip to the beach for my kids (that they could remember) and since the moment we got there, Mama Bear had been on high alert. The ocean is a great place to gain some perspective and be reminded of our small place in the world.

While the kids ran towards the waves and screamed towards shore as the waves crashed in, a woman had stopped beside me, and wistfully said, “Be careful… be careful. We just lost my nephew out here yesterday.” As I watched her walk the beach the rest of the day, looking for his body, I couldn’t help but think about how fleeting life can be. Here are a few more excellent tips about planning for the unthinkable from my friend and estate-planning attorney, David Edwards:

• Don’t assume "it will all just work out." Unless you make your wishes clear, the unthinkable could happen – your kids could go into foster care (even temporarily). Or both sides of the family could get embroiled in a legal battle, each thinking they are pursuing your true wishes by gaining custody of the children. Of course it’s hard to think about death, but get over it. It will be harder for everyone involved if you don’t make a plan. How many parents will research the best car seat, but never do an estate plan? If the car seat is needed, there’s a good chance your estate plan will be, too.
• Your most valuable stuff isn’t stuff. How will you pass your values, traditions, stories, faith and life experiences to your children? A letter or recording from you will be priceless to your kids if the unthinkable happens. (You may feel silly at the time, but I assure you, your kids won’t be laughing at you while they listen.)
• Make your healthcare wishes known through a healthcare directive or healthcare power of attorney. Give access to private health records, authority for consent to treatment and even instructions about “pulling the plug.”

Thinking about these things is never pleasant, but don’t put it off any longer. Your children’s future depends solely on you. Don’t leave it to chance. 

Protect your kids in case of emergency - Part 1

I can’t imagine dying and leaving my family behind, especially the kids. What would happen to them? How would they cope? Would they miss me at college graduation? Would they long for words of wisdom from me on their wedding day? Would they even remember me? Most days it’s much easier for me to put these terrible worries aside and ignore them. Afterall, whose teeth got brushed and who got breakfast are a little more pressing, or so it seems.

With the tragic and sudden death of actress Natasha Richardson last week, it became much harder for me to ignore those nagging feelings I usually push aside. As the mother of young children and an avid skiier, I couldn’t stop thinking about this tragedy and the lives that have been forever changed in a fleeting moment. It could have easily been me. As I imagined my own family in the same situation, I felt terrible because I know that I’m not thoroughly prepared. None of us ever really are, but there are certainly steps we can take to help those left behind if the unthinkable happens.

I talked with my friend and estate planning attorney, David Edwards, about the most important steps to take in case your worst case scenario becomes reality. He gave me a lot of great advice, too much to fit right here, so over the course of the next week, I’ve decided to do a three part series. Here are the first couple of steps to tackle:

1. Focus on the immediate. If something happens to you when you are away from your kids, would people know who to contact? Put emergency contact information on the fridge, in your purse or wallet, and be sure to give the same information to any  schools, daycares, or churches your child may attend. Put emergency numbers in your cell phone under “ICE” meaning “in case of emergency.” You can even program more than one number (ICE 1, ICE 2, etc.).  
2. Get your finances organized. List your life insurance, banking, and other information. Do you have adequate life insurance (on both spouses) to raise your kids and provide a college education? Don’t forget the stay-at-home mom. How much would it cost to hire her replacement?
3. Brainstorm guardians. This is often the most difficult step in the process for couples. At first don’t try to prioritize, just make two lists:  (1) Write down who you would be OK with raising your kids, and (2) who you would NOT want to raise your kids under any circumstances. To dig in deeper, make a list of issues that could impact your choice (faith, location, age, relationship with your kids, etc.). Be sure to consider good family friends as well as relatives.

While many of us still have an adolescent view of mortality, thinking it will never happen to us, the fact of the matter is car accidents and other accidents like the one we all watched unfold this week are the leading cause of death for parents of young children. Compounding these tragedies is the fact that the majority of them occur without warning –  without a chance to prepare. That’s why it is so crucial to make the time now.

By taking a few uncomfortable moments to prepare for the future, you can minimize the lifetime of pain your family may feel. Be sure to look for Part 2 in this series as we continue an honest look at ways to protect our children and family if the unthinkable should happen.

Don't forget the baby!

I remember the first time I heard about a baby being accidentally left in a hot car. I was working for the Red Cross and my boss was about to have her first baby. We discussed how on earth something like that could happen. She expressed an understanding and fear that the same thing could happen to her. I, however, as a newly married and childless 22-year old could not possibly see how such a thing could ever happen to a loving, attentive parent. How do you forget your own child?

Of course, that was nearly 15 years ago. I’ve now weathered the difficult waters of infancy and toddlerhood as a parent. I now completely understand how such a terribly tragic mistake could occur. As a parent, especially a new parent, we are surrounded by a swirling vortex of sleep-deprivation and chaos, the likes of which can make your freshman year in college look like a cake walk. Our list of a million modern day things to keep track of suddenly jumps to over a billion little details that our highly adpated, yet still human minds, must coordinate. Pack the bottles, brush teeth (mine, not the baby’s), bathe two humans, get dressed, check for spit up stains, pack the nursing cover up, diapers, wipes, sun hat, sunscreen, matching shoes (mine AND the baby’s), finger foods, water and snacks (mine, not the baby’s), changing pad, change of clothes (mine AND baby’s), plastic bag for poopy diapers. The list is truly endless. Add to that list work obligations, car trouble, meetings, flights, meal plans, etc. and it soon becomes quite easy to imagine yourself doing the unthinkable.

In a gut wrenching article on the topic of parents who forget their children in their carseats, Gene Weingarten of the Washington Post, does a terrific job of presenting a very human view of the parents who have done such a thing. The article is long, but well worth the read. It will make an impression on your brain, no matter how busy and cluttered it may be, and hopefully, on a very busy day when the details your brain continually tracks are beginning to slip, this article will still be there in the back of your mind preventing another unthinkable and horrifying death.

Here are a few of the suggestions from KidsAndCars.org about minimizing your risk of leaving your child in his or her carseat:

Always put something you'll need for work -- cellphone, handbag, employee badge, etc. -- on the floor of the back seat, near the child.
 
Keep a large teddy bear in the child's car seat when it's not occupied. When the child is placed in the seat, put the teddy bear up front in the passenger seat. It's a visual reminder that anytime the teddy bear is in the passenger seat, the child is in the back.
 
Make arrangements with your child's day-care provider or babysitter that you will always call them if your child will not be there on a particular day as scheduled. Ask them to always phone you if your child does not show up when expected.

Toxic Toys

It's hard to be a parent these days. On top of the impossibly long list of responsibilities we parents have already had for decades, now we must check our kids' toothpaste for anti-freeze, scour the juice aisle for China-free apple juice, and monitor all the toys coming in the house (even the ones from Mattel) for lead laced paint. What's a parent to do?

Well, I found this great website at HealthyToys.org. You can search for the toys in your home by brand or type to see if they are toxic. You can request that a toy be tested for toxins, and you can also request to receive updates and alerts via email. This site can't help with edible items such as toothpaste and juice, but at least when your 12-month old tries to eat your 4-year old's silver ballet slipper necklace that Aunt Suzie gave her for Christmas, you'll be able to find out what exactly your child may be ingesting.

Signs of a Great Preschool

I know it's only February, but it's never too early to start thinking about the new school year. Around the country  anxious parents and preschoolers alike are browsing websites, taking tours, and contemplating questions of socialization, academics, and, "Would you like Spanish or music on the side with your preschooler?"

While the choice can seem overwhelming, there are certain things that any good classroom will have. The National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC) (a fantastic organization whose standards are far above the minimums required by state licensing) suggests you look for these 10 signs of a good classroom:

1. Children spend most of their play time working with materials and other children. They do not wander aimlessly, and they are not expected to sit quietly for long periods of time.
2. Children have access to various activities throughout the day. Look for assorted building blocks, props for pretend play, picture books, paints and other art materials, and table toys like matching games, pegboards, puzzles, etc. Children should not all be doing the same thing at the same time.
3. Teachers work with individual children, small groups, and the whole group at different times during the day. They do not spend all their time with the whole group.
4. The classroom is decorated with children's original artwork, their own writing with invented spelling, and stories dictated by children to the teachers.
5. Children learn numbers and the alphabet in the context of their everyday experiences. The natural world of plants and animals along with meaningful activities like cooking, taking attendance, or serving snack provide the basis for learning activities.
6. Children work on projects and have long periods of time (at least one hour) to play and explore. Worksheets are used little, if at all. 
7. Children have an opportunity to play outside every day. Outdoor play is never sacrificed for more instructional time. 
8. Teachers read books to children individually or in small groups throughout the day, not just at group story time. 
9. Curriculum is adapted for those who are ahead as well as those who need additional help. Teachers recognize that children's different backgrounds and experiences mean that they do not learn the same things at the same time in the same way. 
10. Children and their parents look forward to school. Parents feel secure about sending their child to the program. Children are happy to attend; they do not cry regularly or complain of feeling sick.

The No-Cry Sleep Solution

If I took an informal survey of parents and asked, "what is the most challenging thing about being a new parent?" I am confident that "sleeping" would be in everyone's top 3. There is no shortage of opinions and methods out there, and parents have a wide variety of goals and values when it comes to sleeping. Some want their children to make it through the night without them at an early age, while others will share their bed with their children until the children decide they are ready to be on their own. In between those two extremes lie an infinite number of possible approaches.

Needless to say, Elisa and I have our own opinions, too, but I'm not interested in standing on a soapbox. We were sure that we would "train" our first baby to sleep on her own. Then she came home with us. After a long and difficult pregnancy and near-traumatic birth experience (I'll forgo the details), it seemed that our baby's room was on the other side of the planet. We followed our hearts and our instincts and moved the crib into our room.

Of course, there are some who say that co-sleeping and attachment parenting are not the best for children and families, but that's where we landed. Sure, it's sometimes difficult, but we felt it was worth it. Our kids, now 4 and 6, are sleeping through the night in their own beds in their own room, occasionally waking up early and wandering into ours. But those early days of no sleep, a cramped bed, and failed attempts to transition them to their own room were taxing. Exasperated at times, we felt there had to be a middle-ground that respected the notion of attachment but provided a way to get some sleep!

We discovered The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. It's a really great book that accomplishes much of what all parents want: to love their child and get some sleep! For those with kids a bit older, there is the No-Cry Sleep Solution For Toddlers and Preschoolers. If you have difficulties at bedtime or naptime, these books are a great resource for those who want a middle ground between "training" and co-sleeping.

The Quest for the Perfect Toy

Sometimes I wonder why we even buy toys for the kids at Christmas. Feeling particularly happy with ourselves one Christmas morning a few years back, Duane and I rounded the corner to find the kids in an empty moving box playing pirates -- fancy Disney salon and basketball hoop nowhere to be found on "Ye Olde Pirate Ship". After that, I made one of my famous declarations emphatically stating that for next Christmas we would be visiting U-Haul to find the BEST. PRESENTS. EVER! 

Even though it is a little late in the season, there is help. It's the Parents' Choice Holiday Gift Guide put out by a great nonprofit that monitors quality children's media and toys. Their helpful website allows you to search by age, interest and budget making it pretty easy to get some ideas for toys that actually might get played with beyond Christmas morning. Of course, nothing will ever beat an empty box!