Thoughts on Parenting

Education and Creativity

It's pretty clear from what we write here that Elisa and I have chosen to home-school our kids, at least for their younger years. What may not be so clear are the reasons for that choice. As with any important decision like education, the reasons are numerous and complex, but this talk from TED cuts to the heart of how I feel about education. Yes, education is a good thing. But for those kids who think differently, or can't sit still, or feel emotion more strongly than the rest of us, school can be - and often is - a place where they are robbed of their potential and their future.

In this talk, Ken Robinson argues that schools all over the world exhibit a hierarchy of subjects: first comes mathematics, then languages, then the humanities, and arts at the bottom. And in the arts, drama and dance fall below art and music. He asserts that the education system educates us from the waist up, eventually focusing only on our heads...and slightly to one side. This may produce great university professors, but it can eliminate creativity and innovation altogether in some.

It's funny, engaging, moving, and thought-provoking. It is well-worth the 20 minutes of your life it would take to watch, and so I thought I would share it with you all. I know home-schooling is not an option or a possibility for everyone, but encouraging creativity begins at home by turning off the TV and taking away the DS or PSP. It's not just their future you're affecting...it's the entire world.

Making Time for Family

Every family is busy these days, and ours is certainly no exception. With a father doing doctoral work full-time while holding multiple part-time jobs, a mom who freelances, home-schools and serves on the board of the kids' cooperative preschool, and two very active young children, finding time together is always a paramount concern.

When the challenge came up to blog about finding family time in a freeway world, I decided it would be a good exercise to sit down and think about what we do to protect our time together. Since the beginning of our marriage, Duane and I have been very conscious of protecting our time as a couple. Once the kids came along, it wasn’t any different… we just had to be a little more creative!

Here’s a short list of some intentional things we’ve done to carve out more family time:

• Live near work. When we moved to our current town, we knew we wanted to be within walking distance of campus. That way we could maximize little bits of time that Duane might have in between classes. A picnic lunch at Daddy’s office, or a walk to pick him up could buy an extra 20 minutes with him. Eliminating a 30 minute commute could reclaim up to 20 hours a month!  

• Set aside a family night. With Duane’s performance and class schedule always changing, we realized that there was one night we could pretty much always depend on to be free – Friday night. It also happened to be half price night at our city pool, so Fridays became family swim night and pizza night. I have to admit that a lot of times Duane and I are too tired to do the swimming thing, so sometimes we cop out and get a movie, but it’s always PIZZA night. It’s the one thing the kids can absolutely count on (even if we have to have it at three in the afternoon because of a concert later that night). 

• Limit sports and activities. Our kids participate in just one sport or activity at a time. In addition, we try to keep scheduling down to a minimum on nights and weekends. It’s tough, and sometimes we feel like the only people in America who have this priority, but preserving our family is more important than what type of athlete my child becomes – and I was an athlete growing up. I know that sports can teach valuable things, but so can a loving, relaxed family environment. 

• Protect weekends. We keep one weekend morning completely unscheduled for just family lounging around time. This can be challenging, but we’ve found it to be incredibly rejuvenating not to have to get up and rush somewhere. 

• Prepare meals together. We’ve worked hard to find ways to involve the kids in the kitchen, and it is amazing what they can do and how much they enjoy doing it when you just give them the chance. 

• Limit TV. We’ve talked about this before in terms of what is best for the kids’ brainpower, but it’s also better for the family. When you’re not glued to the TV there is more time for spontaneous, creative things to happen, and these things are usually far better than anything you could have planned because they just happen organically. 

• Celebrate the little things. We celebrate every chance we get around here – first bike ride without training wheels, Daddy passing a big test, the fact that it’s Thursday and we’ve made it through another crazy week. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, just take a few moments as a family to soak up and appreciate these special moments that make life really good. The kids love planning these “little parties” and Cason has become the queen of confetti.

These last two may seem a little extreme, but with everything that demands our time and attention these days, sometimes extreme measures of protecting your family are worth it.

• Home-school. This is a HUGE commitment and is not for everyone, but one I started thinking about long ago (before kids) when Duane was in a very demanding profession. Homeschooling allows for flexibility and family time in a way that public or private school does not. In fact, just this week we were surprised by a last minute day off for Daddy, so we planned a hike and spent the afternoon together just the four of us. The children really needed this after Duane’s tough performance schedule in that last couple of weeks and thanks to homeschooling, we were able to take advantage of it. 

• Live in a small house. When we moved in to our 900-square-foot grad school house, it was only supposed to be for two years. Four years later, we're still here! I will be quick to admit that I am dying to get into a bigger house, but we will most definitely look for something under 2000 square feet. I’ve seen the advantages that a small house has to offer…  and it’s not just vacuuming the whole house without having to unplug!

This post was inspired by the people at Laity Lodge Family Camp. Laity Lodge is an amazing place in the Texas Hill Country that provides a perfect place to get away from it all and reconnect to nature, God and yourself... now you can take the whole family! How fun would family camp be!?!

Protect Your Kids -- Part III

So, how do you work toward the things we've talked about previously?

The most important step is to get a “coach.”  All of the other stuff we've talked about is just a head start on the real planning.  You need to use an attorney who will work with you to create a plan that fits your family, not someone who just fills in the blanks on a glorified form. 

Ask questions and find an attorney who:

1. charges flat fees (not by the hour).
2. will help you coordinate what will happen to your money and who will have access to it.
3. will help you document emergency procedures to provide for your kids in the hours and days following an accident.
4. offers an ongoing membership program to keep your plan up to date.

Estate planning is important for anyone who has children and is a lifetime endeavor. It is never done until you’re gone or disabled.  It’s not a one-time event. There’s no partial credit. If your plan is out of date when you die, it will fail. And you will fail your family. Failure should not be an option.

For more information about family estate planning, visit David Edwards' site or check out Alexis Martin Neely's book, Wear Clean Underwear: A Fast, Fun, Friendly - and essential - Guide to Legal Planning for Busy Parents.

Protect Your Kids -- Part II

As the Coast Guard cutter worked its way meticulously through the search area, I thought of the woman who stopped us on the beach earlier that day. It was the first trip to the beach for my kids (that they could remember) and since the moment we got there, Mama Bear had been on high alert. The ocean is a great place to gain some perspective and be reminded of our small place in the world.

While the kids ran towards the waves and screamed towards shore as the waves crashed in, a woman had stopped beside me, and wistfully said, “Be careful… be careful. We just lost my nephew out here yesterday.” As I watched her walk the beach the rest of the day, looking for his body, I couldn’t help but think about how fleeting life can be. Here are a few more excellent tips about planning for the unthinkable from my friend and estate-planning attorney, David Edwards:

• Don’t assume "it will all just work out." Unless you make your wishes clear, the unthinkable could happen – your kids could go into foster care (even temporarily). Or both sides of the family could get embroiled in a legal battle, each thinking they are pursuing your true wishes by gaining custody of the children. Of course it’s hard to think about death, but get over it. It will be harder for everyone involved if you don’t make a plan. How many parents will research the best car seat, but never do an estate plan? If the car seat is needed, there’s a good chance your estate plan will be, too.
• Your most valuable stuff isn’t stuff. How will you pass your values, traditions, stories, faith and life experiences to your children? A letter or recording from you will be priceless to your kids if the unthinkable happens. (You may feel silly at the time, but I assure you, your kids won’t be laughing at you while they listen.)
• Make your healthcare wishes known through a healthcare directive or healthcare power of attorney. Give access to private health records, authority for consent to treatment and even instructions about “pulling the plug.”

Thinking about these things is never pleasant, but don’t put it off any longer. Your children’s future depends solely on you. Don’t leave it to chance. 

Protect your kids in case of emergency - Part 1

I can’t imagine dying and leaving my family behind, especially the kids. What would happen to them? How would they cope? Would they miss me at college graduation? Would they long for words of wisdom from me on their wedding day? Would they even remember me? Most days it’s much easier for me to put these terrible worries aside and ignore them. Afterall, whose teeth got brushed and who got breakfast are a little more pressing, or so it seems.

With the tragic and sudden death of actress Natasha Richardson last week, it became much harder for me to ignore those nagging feelings I usually push aside. As the mother of young children and an avid skiier, I couldn’t stop thinking about this tragedy and the lives that have been forever changed in a fleeting moment. It could have easily been me. As I imagined my own family in the same situation, I felt terrible because I know that I’m not thoroughly prepared. None of us ever really are, but there are certainly steps we can take to help those left behind if the unthinkable happens.

I talked with my friend and estate planning attorney, David Edwards, about the most important steps to take in case your worst case scenario becomes reality. He gave me a lot of great advice, too much to fit right here, so over the course of the next week, I’ve decided to do a three part series. Here are the first couple of steps to tackle:

1. Focus on the immediate. If something happens to you when you are away from your kids, would people know who to contact? Put emergency contact information on the fridge, in your purse or wallet, and be sure to give the same information to any  schools, daycares, or churches your child may attend. Put emergency numbers in your cell phone under “ICE” meaning “in case of emergency.” You can even program more than one number (ICE 1, ICE 2, etc.).  
2. Get your finances organized. List your life insurance, banking, and other information. Do you have adequate life insurance (on both spouses) to raise your kids and provide a college education? Don’t forget the stay-at-home mom. How much would it cost to hire her replacement?
3. Brainstorm guardians. This is often the most difficult step in the process for couples. At first don’t try to prioritize, just make two lists:  (1) Write down who you would be OK with raising your kids, and (2) who you would NOT want to raise your kids under any circumstances. To dig in deeper, make a list of issues that could impact your choice (faith, location, age, relationship with your kids, etc.). Be sure to consider good family friends as well as relatives.

While many of us still have an adolescent view of mortality, thinking it will never happen to us, the fact of the matter is car accidents and other accidents like the one we all watched unfold this week are the leading cause of death for parents of young children. Compounding these tragedies is the fact that the majority of them occur without warning –  without a chance to prepare. That’s why it is so crucial to make the time now.

By taking a few uncomfortable moments to prepare for the future, you can minimize the lifetime of pain your family may feel. Be sure to look for Part 2 in this series as we continue an honest look at ways to protect our children and family if the unthinkable should happen.

Video On the Go

DVD makers are finally getting wise to the fact that many of us like to view movies on the go. You may have seen the phrase "Digital Copy" on newly-released DVDs. what this means is that there is a separate disc with a digital file on it - one that can be read by your computer and loaded onto your iPod or other portable player.

But what about all those movies you already own? How do you get those on your iPod or laptop without purchasing a digital version online? We use a free program called Handbrake, and it works beautifully. It is simple and easy to use, and comes in versions for Mac, Windows, and Linux (it's also open source, so you  programmer types can get the raw code).

Handbrake can encode any disc you have, and convert it to any size or format you want (iPod, PSP, laptop, TV, etc.). Though we don't do it very often, we have been saved on numerous occasions by being able to pull out my laptop or Elisa's iPod and give the kids something to watch when we're waiting at the doctor's office at naptime, or when the car breaks down and we're at the mechanic, or we're on a REALLY long road-trip...you get the idea!

Here's a screen Shot:

The Quest for the Perfect Toy

Sometimes I wonder why we even buy toys for the kids at Christmas. Feeling particularly happy with ourselves one Christmas morning a few years back, Duane and I rounded the corner to find the kids in an empty moving box playing pirates -- fancy Disney salon and basketball hoop nowhere to be found on "Ye Olde Pirate Ship". After that, I made one of my famous declarations emphatically stating that for next Christmas we would be visiting U-Haul to find the BEST. PRESENTS. EVER! 

Even though it is a little late in the season, there is help. It's the Parents' Choice Holiday Gift Guide put out by a great nonprofit that monitors quality children's media and toys. Their helpful website allows you to search by age, interest and budget making it pretty easy to get some ideas for toys that actually might get played with beyond Christmas morning. Of course, nothing will ever beat an empty box!

Best Restaurants for Kids

Eating Out. In this day and age it is a necessary evil and inevitable convenience. Despite how healthy we try to be at home, sometimes I feel like we completely undo a week's worth of good choices in just one trip to a restaurant. In an article recently featured on Yahoo!, I found this link to Men's Health and looked up a few of our favorites to see what grades they made:

• Chik-fil-A earned an A+
• McDonald's earned a B
• Outback Steakhouse earned an F
• Pizza Hut earned a D
• Wendy's earned an A-

Check here to see how your favorite restaurant fared. Or check out the more comprehensive book, Eat This Not That! for Kids!: Be the Leanest, Fittest Family on the Block!

The Great American Backyard Campout

I hate to admit it (having grown up all around nature and camping in amazing places like Zion National Park  and Alaska), but there recently came a time when I gave up on camping. After a miserable trip with a 2- and 4-year-old in the middle of a Texas summer, I made a declaration to Duane that I had been afraid to make for years. I HATE camping. I hate sleeping on the ground, I hate getting dirty, I hate being hot and I really hate having to tromp through snake-infested grass to get to the bathroom in the middle of the freaking night. The nature-loving girl of old was gone, and she had been replaced by someone who greatly loved air conditioning, had really gotten used to her pillow top mattress and quadzillion count Egyptian cotton sheets, and, frankly, would be thrilled to never use another outhouse for the rest of her life.

Fortunately my declaration was made privately and Duane allowed me to take it back. Though somewhat relieved immediately after declaring my disdain for camping, I quickly came to realize that my perspective was a bit skewed after our mid-summer debacle. There really are so many invaluable things we and our children learn from camping -- things that we cannot learn any other way in our ultra busy modern life. The reason I love nature so much is because we spent so much time in it growing up. Without spending time in nature, I would never have grown to appreciate it enough to get past the little inconveniences of camping like sweating, being dirty and eating s'mores. With all the modern "conveniences" like cell phones, Blackberries and the internet, it is even more important to take a step back from technology, contemplate our role in this amazing planet that we inhabit and learn a little respect. So, here are a couple of things I learned and some tips that got me back to nature.

• Don't go camping when it's 90 degrees, especially if you're used to camping with Mummy bags in Alaska and you now live in Texas.

• Go camping with friends. Our latest camping trip with a couple who has kids the same age as ours was a dream. The kids had soooooo much more fun with friends around, and it was a lot of fun watching them have so much fun!

• Keep the food simple. Growing up we had elaborate breakfasts complete with eggs and toast made on a special campy-toasty thingy. Though we're not typically packaged food people, for the sake of simplicity, we have changed the rules for camping until we become pros enough to try our hand at fancier camp fare.

• Try it in the backyard first. We had a trial run in our living room, because our neighborhood is a little iffy, but camping at home is a great way to get your feet wet, so to speak.

This weekend is the perfect time to join thousands of other families (unless of course you live in Texas and will have to break my first rule) for The National Wildlife Federation's Great American Backyard Campout™ on Saturday, June 28. Spend time gazing at the stars, listening for the sounds of nocturnal animals, and swapping stories by the light of the lantern or flashlight. It’s a great way to pass along your love for the outdoors to future generations.

Register your campsite and get recipes, activities, wildlife guides, and more at www.backyardcampout.org.

The Great American Backyard Campout™ is sponsored annually by National Wildlife Federation, America’s conservation organization dedicated to protecting wildlife for our children’s future. Let's camp!

Children and Movies

As a conscientious parent, it is very difficult navigating our grown up culture. There are far too many ways for my kids to grow up too quickly. When it comes to visual entertainment, it's easy to forget how huge an impact it can have on kids.

Duane and I love movies. Before we had children, we would go to the movies 3-4 times per month. We threw Oscar parties with full on props like the Sixth Sense kid's tent complete with a flashlight and creepy fourth grader. Ok, I'm joking about the fourth grader, but if we'd known a fourth grader at the time, we probably would have rented him out for the night!

Needless to say, once we had kids going to the movies abruptly ground to a halt. Because we try to be very careful about what our kids see on screen, video watching is even challenging. We often joke that the moon, stars and planets have to align for both kids to be asleep early enough on a night when Duane and I are still awake and have no work to do.

Kids-in-Mind is a terrific website that really helps us know what might be appropriate for our kids and what might not. It gives a rating of 1-10 in three categories: Sex/Nudity, Violence/Gore, and Profanity. The reviews also list occurrences of substance abuse and suggest relevant issues to discuss with your kids. We have become quite familiar with the ratings and what we are willing to tolerate. (Just so you know, we don't usually go higher than a 2.3.2)