Thoughts on Parenting

First Weekend Away

Last night was one of those times when I had to soak it all in again. To remember how far Cason and I have come. To look at her baby book and remember when we first met. To look at her precious sleeping face at 6 ½ years old and wonder at the mysteries and beauty of life -- to behold the miracle of love.

This past weekend was her first weekend away. I tried desperately not to be too over protective and blow this milestone out of proportion. I doubt I succeeded.  I was the only parent neurotic enough to install her kids’ booster seat in the 15-passenger van. Having not sent her off to kindergarten before, this was a huge step, albeit one of many, toward independence.

As I helped her pack earlier in the day, I felt panicky. Shouldn’t we be having some big talk? Aren’t there some brilliant words of parental wisdom I should be sharing at this moment? Does she really know how important it is to brush her teeth EVERY night?

But then I realized, words wouldn’t really do the trick. Words are what I’ve been throwing at her constantly since the day she was born. I began to realize how much I had relied on words in the last 6 ½ years and how ineffective they really are. I began to wonder what on earth my actions may have unwittingly communicated. I think we always hope as parents that they’ll do as we say, not as we do, and yet we all know that actions speak louder than words. That realization left me in a very uncomfortable place this weekend as I sent her off on her own.

I had all weekend to ponder one tough question:

At home, when no one else is around, am I being the person I want her to become?

Despite my nightmare Friday night that she didn't get breakfast and was too shy to speak up about it, it seems as though she had all her meals and even tried some new food. She went canoeing (one of my personal favorites) and joined the big kids in a game of soccer when her activity finished early. I don't know if she kept her things nice and tidy, but I'm pretty sure she took at least one  shower. One thing I know for sure is she was brave when she missed us, she embraced the moment and had one of the best times of her young life. This weekend helped me to see that we are well on our way. She is as amazing as I think, and despite the tough question I asked myself, I'm pretty sure it's in spite of who I sometimes am.

 

 

Making Time for Family

Every family is busy these days, and ours is certainly no exception. With a father doing doctoral work full-time while holding multiple part-time jobs, a mom who freelances, home-schools and serves on the board of the kids' cooperative preschool, and two very active young children, finding time together is always a paramount concern.

When the challenge came up to blog about finding family time in a freeway world, I decided it would be a good exercise to sit down and think about what we do to protect our time together. Since the beginning of our marriage, Duane and I have been very conscious of protecting our time as a couple. Once the kids came along, it wasn’t any different… we just had to be a little more creative!

Here’s a short list of some intentional things we’ve done to carve out more family time:

• Live near work. When we moved to our current town, we knew we wanted to be within walking distance of campus. That way we could maximize little bits of time that Duane might have in between classes. A picnic lunch at Daddy’s office, or a walk to pick him up could buy an extra 20 minutes with him. Eliminating a 30 minute commute could reclaim up to 20 hours a month!  

• Set aside a family night. With Duane’s performance and class schedule always changing, we realized that there was one night we could pretty much always depend on to be free – Friday night. It also happened to be half price night at our city pool, so Fridays became family swim night and pizza night. I have to admit that a lot of times Duane and I are too tired to do the swimming thing, so sometimes we cop out and get a movie, but it’s always PIZZA night. It’s the one thing the kids can absolutely count on (even if we have to have it at three in the afternoon because of a concert later that night). 

• Limit sports and activities. Our kids participate in just one sport or activity at a time. In addition, we try to keep scheduling down to a minimum on nights and weekends. It’s tough, and sometimes we feel like the only people in America who have this priority, but preserving our family is more important than what type of athlete my child becomes – and I was an athlete growing up. I know that sports can teach valuable things, but so can a loving, relaxed family environment. 

• Protect weekends. We keep one weekend morning completely unscheduled for just family lounging around time. This can be challenging, but we’ve found it to be incredibly rejuvenating not to have to get up and rush somewhere. 

• Prepare meals together. We’ve worked hard to find ways to involve the kids in the kitchen, and it is amazing what they can do and how much they enjoy doing it when you just give them the chance. 

• Limit TV. We’ve talked about this before in terms of what is best for the kids’ brainpower, but it’s also better for the family. When you’re not glued to the TV there is more time for spontaneous, creative things to happen, and these things are usually far better than anything you could have planned because they just happen organically. 

• Celebrate the little things. We celebrate every chance we get around here – first bike ride without training wheels, Daddy passing a big test, the fact that it’s Thursday and we’ve made it through another crazy week. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, just take a few moments as a family to soak up and appreciate these special moments that make life really good. The kids love planning these “little parties” and Cason has become the queen of confetti.

These last two may seem a little extreme, but with everything that demands our time and attention these days, sometimes extreme measures of protecting your family are worth it.

• Home-school. This is a HUGE commitment and is not for everyone, but one I started thinking about long ago (before kids) when Duane was in a very demanding profession. Homeschooling allows for flexibility and family time in a way that public or private school does not. In fact, just this week we were surprised by a last minute day off for Daddy, so we planned a hike and spent the afternoon together just the four of us. The children really needed this after Duane’s tough performance schedule in that last couple of weeks and thanks to homeschooling, we were able to take advantage of it. 

• Live in a small house. When we moved in to our 900-square-foot grad school house, it was only supposed to be for two years. Four years later, we're still here! I will be quick to admit that I am dying to get into a bigger house, but we will most definitely look for something under 2000 square feet. I’ve seen the advantages that a small house has to offer…  and it’s not just vacuuming the whole house without having to unplug!

This post was inspired by the people at Laity Lodge Family Camp. Laity Lodge is an amazing place in the Texas Hill Country that provides a perfect place to get away from it all and reconnect to nature, God and yourself... now you can take the whole family! How fun would family camp be!?!

Protect Your Kids -- Part III

So, how do you work toward the things we've talked about previously?

The most important step is to get a “coach.”  All of the other stuff we've talked about is just a head start on the real planning.  You need to use an attorney who will work with you to create a plan that fits your family, not someone who just fills in the blanks on a glorified form. 

Ask questions and find an attorney who:

1. charges flat fees (not by the hour).
2. will help you coordinate what will happen to your money and who will have access to it.
3. will help you document emergency procedures to provide for your kids in the hours and days following an accident.
4. offers an ongoing membership program to keep your plan up to date.

Estate planning is important for anyone who has children and is a lifetime endeavor. It is never done until you’re gone or disabled.  It’s not a one-time event. There’s no partial credit. If your plan is out of date when you die, it will fail. And you will fail your family. Failure should not be an option.

For more information about family estate planning, visit David Edwards' site or check out Alexis Martin Neely's book, Wear Clean Underwear: A Fast, Fun, Friendly - and essential - Guide to Legal Planning for Busy Parents.