Thoughts on Parenting

Living in the Moment

 The kids (5 and 7) recently asked me to play basketball with them. Having turned into a lame adult somewhere in the last 8 years, I thought of a million reasons why I shouldn’t – dishes in the sink, laundry on the couch, packing for the upcoming move, an article I needed to finish up. The list, as most adults know, could go on for days and days and days. But something deep inside of me told me to seize this moment, so I headed outside to a perfectly beautiful summer day, a Gonzaga Bulldogs basketball my husband had bought the kids on a recent trip, and a 6-foot Fisher Price goal.

My radar immediately shot up as my oldest, completely out of character, attempted to trash talk, saying haughtily, “Momma, we know skills.” Trying not to giggle at her adorable attempt at intimidating me, I gave them the ball to start. As they discussed whether to inbound with a bounce pass or to just try and run it past me, my mind wandered to the millions of other things I “should” have been doing. Come on. Just inbound the ball.

The first few plays went quickly by. I stole a couple of passes and went up by 6 points. Playing against the kids made me feel like an NBA player – in stature and skills. Slowly, my youngest started playing defense like Manu Ginobli (one of our favorite players from the San Antonio Spurs). I just couldn’t shake the kid. And soon it was halftime. The kids were up by 4 points… and I hadn’t thought of the dishes in at least 15 minutes.

After a mandatory rest and water break, (“We’re really wearing you out, Momma!”) we returned to the sunny driveway. At this point, I had forgotten my pride, the dishes, laundry, moving and work. I was living in the moment – a skill that all children seem equipped with. A skill that somewhere along the way most of us adults lose.

We were playing first to 40. As my youngest scored the final basket and immediately started a victory dance that only Terrell Owens would be jealous of, my daughter finally got the trash talking down. “I told you we got skills, Momma!” And I thought to myself, “Yes, yes you do. Skills that I can really use.”

Face Your Fears, Finish Strong

 I signed the kids up for a 1k race the other day. It was supposed to be a 5-mile training run for me, but my husband had a prior commitment, so I thought, “Why should I have all the fun?” Without asking their opinion, I registered my little sweeties, hoped they would like the “free” t-shirt and started mounting one of the biggest PR campaigns of my life.

 

Despite my feeling like I needed to really sell getting up early on a weekend morning to go run around as fast as possible, the kids met the idea with a lot of enthusiasm.  Immediately they started talk of training. They even got the 1980‘s ankle weights from the basement and started walking around the house with them. We went to the store and bought new running pants.

 

My daughter, the older cautious one, was really nervous the morning of the race. Her tummy hurt so bad that I was worried she wouldn’t be able to race. Figuring it was just nerves, I encouraged her to try it. I stretched with them and waited by the starting line, helping them know what to expect, trying to give them courage for this unknown thing they were about to tackle.  

 

Cason insisted that I run the race with them. She was too nervous to go by herself, so I prepared to run the Kids’ 1K, pretty sure I would be the only 36-year old in the race. The race started and Cason took off at the front of the pack, never looking back. I was there trying not to trample the other children, feeling unnecessary and rather silly, following behind, but she never needed me. She ran the whole way, eventually pulled away from me and finished with the front pack. Lacking the energy and deftness of my younger counterparts, I missed watching her come across the finish line, but I still celebrated with her.

 

As usual, I couldn’t help but reflect on the race and life. We as parents are here to encourage our children to explore the world, learn and see new things. We give them courage and confidence, but ultimately it is up to them to take off without us, doing their best, finishing well, knowing that if they need us, we are never far behind.

Running Errands with Mr. Relentless

The usual chaos had been encircling us all day beginning long before we even started to run our errands. Errands are really something I try to avoid doing with the children at all costs, but sometimes it’s inevitable. On this particular day, I was hopeful that the presence of my laid back husband could have a positive influence and keep things sane. The morning had started with us tearing up all 2,000 square feet of the house we’re borrowing. Typically, this happens in conjunction with a lost shoe or a coat for one of the kids. This time, the stakes were much higher with a $150 replacement fee on the line for the item that had gotten lost in the shuffle of our cross-country move. After a whirlwind of activity through the house and a momentary flash of brilliance, we found the item nowhere inside the upturned house, but in the car – a logical place given we had lived out of it for two months during our move.

Unfortunately because of the search, the errand running started around lunchtime, which is never a good time to do anything, really, except eat. The post office we were headed to was inconveniently located right next to McDonalds.  As my husband ran in to mail our lost item by certified mail, my five-year old (and future attorney) started pleading his case as to why he should be allowed to go to McDonalds immediately. Starting with a detailed list of why he was in fact starving, he continued to argue his case to no avail as a neighbor walked out of the post office. I rolled down my window and chatted a little. Before I could even get my window rolled up, Jack started in again. The whole time this was going on, my dear, sweet daughter was hard at work quietly drawing in the back seat. She is quite often the calm in our storm and it takes quite a bit to get her feathers ruffled. As my husband chatted with the neighbor outside the car and my son, Mr. Relentless, still tried to argue his case for McDonalds, my daughter asked a seemingly innocent question, “Momma, how do you spell circus?”

 

And I thought to myself, “L-I-F-E.”

 

Blog Action Day 2009: Climate Change and Our Family

Our family has had a very exciting summer, but unfortunately, I didn't take the time to write about it. Hopefully, there will be time for introspection later. But for now, it seemed like Blog Action Day would be a good re-entry point into the blogosphere.

We drove over 5,000 miles this summer, passing through at least 14 states on a road trip that makes our Road Trip to the Edge of Sanity look like a little jaunt to Starbucks. Even though I had visited most of the places we went in my youth, visiting with my own children and seeing American's wild places through their eyes was nothing short of exhilarating. The prairies and one-of-a-kind rock formations of South Dakota, the beauty and bison of Yellowstone, the grandeur of the Grand Tetons. In our visits to over 5 national parks this summer, I was reminded again of the foresight of our forefathers in preserving the massive and beautiful lands of our amazing country for everyone to enjoy. These places are truly amazing gifts for the future.

The main reason for our huge road trip was our family's move to Oregon. Having lived in Alaska while growing up, I've always been very conscious of nature and our impact on it, and now that we are in Oregon, it is easy to see the impact humans have on the earth... much easier than when we lived in Texas. What concerns me most is America's seemingly short sighted view of climate change. Usually we are the leaders in the world, but for some reason, on this topic we seem to be lagging behind and jeopardizing our children's future in the process.

My son loves Arctic animals and many of our conversations center around whales, walruses and polar bears. I will never forget the day that Jack said he wanted to grow up and go to the Arctic to see polar bears. It was soon after they were added to the Endangered Species list and I couldn't believe that it was actually very likely that they would not be around by the time he was grown. I had never had a realization like that before.

So, at the risk of repeating everyone else on the earth, here are some things we do to try and help save the polar bears, walruses and other Arctic animals that are being urgently threatened by the receding ice:

Recycle. We now recycle more than we throw away. We also try to consciously buy things that are used or have very little packaging. This is especially difficult when it comes to toys!

Drive less. We are very fortunate that we now live in a place where taking public transportation is easy and considered quite normal. The kids just love taking the train into town.

Unplug. Did you know that cell phone chargers that are plugged in, but not being used by a phone still use electricity? I didn't until recently. Now I'm vigilant about unplugging things we're not using... even the television.

Buy less. I know that is totally un-American of me, but I'm trying to raise children who are content without a lot of stuff. Cheap toys are so easy to come by these days the kids don't appreciate what they have, and who knows what the factories (mostly in China) are doing environmentally while they produce $3 toys for America's children.

I know there's not much new here, but I would urge you to educate yourself -- for your children's sake. This issue is a huge one, and one that can no longer be ignored. American's traditionally have a spirit of ingenuity and a reputation of rising to the occasion. I think it will take an entire generation of American creativity and knowledge to help make an impact of change. The best place to start is at home with our own families. For a good jumping off point, visit the EPA's climate change site for kids, and in the process help save the future for our children.

Education and Creativity

It's pretty clear from what we write here that Elisa and I have chosen to home-school our kids, at least for their younger years. What may not be so clear are the reasons for that choice. As with any important decision like education, the reasons are numerous and complex, but this talk from TED cuts to the heart of how I feel about education. Yes, education is a good thing. But for those kids who think differently, or can't sit still, or feel emotion more strongly than the rest of us, school can be - and often is - a place where they are robbed of their potential and their future.

In this talk, Ken Robinson argues that schools all over the world exhibit a hierarchy of subjects: first comes mathematics, then languages, then the humanities, and arts at the bottom. And in the arts, drama and dance fall below art and music. He asserts that the education system educates us from the waist up, eventually focusing only on our heads...and slightly to one side. This may produce great university professors, but it can eliminate creativity and innovation altogether in some.

It's funny, engaging, moving, and thought-provoking. It is well-worth the 20 minutes of your life it would take to watch, and so I thought I would share it with you all. I know home-schooling is not an option or a possibility for everyone, but encouraging creativity begins at home by turning off the TV and taking away the DS or PSP. It's not just their future you're affecting...it's the entire world.

What to do about Swine Flu?

Having just found out that all the local schools will be closed this week thanks to the H1N1 Virus, everyone in our town seems to be facing the reality of a real modern dilemma: What do you do if you have to stay home for a whole week with your children?

At first I found the idea quite stressful. It was an unwelcome change in routine during an already highly stressful time (with moving and graduation coming up). As I thought about it some more, though, my perspective shifted. What an amazing gift that we are not often given these days! With our modern inventions, weather and illness are rarely greater than our capacity to deal with them. Life never seems to stop anymore, except for the occasional snow storm or hurricane.

I remember when I got to stay home with the Chicken Pox for a week. Other than the smell of calamine lotion and being really itchy, it was kind of cool. My parents worked to make the week special, and I even got a new Duran Duran record out of the deal from my dad. But thanks to vaccines, that right of passage through childhood has been eliminated, too.

In the spirit of Throwback Mountain Dew, I'm planning on going old school this week, too. We're gonna limit the TV and enjoy some of the things that our modern life often doesn't leave time for:

Board games: The kids are finally old enough to enjoy some games like Aggravation (my grandpa's favorite), Life and Monopoly. Of course there are also some  of our long standing favorites: Tot-zee, Sequence, Crazy Eights and Uno. For other board game ideas, check out the Top 10 Classic Board Games for Kids.

Puzzles: I remember simpler times without TV when my mom, sister and I would work puzzles together on rainy or snowy days. It's a great activity that allows conversation to bloom.

Bake: I'm usually in too much of a rush to do this with the kids, but since we don't have anywhere to be this week, there's no rushing! We have all the time in the world to bake that banana bread I've been wanting to make for months. (For the most amazing Banana Bread recipe EVER, click here.)

Art: Again, I'm usually in too much of a rush to deal with the mess that comes from the kids' artistic endeavors (sad, I know), but with no agenda this week, I think we'll attempt some art. Check out The Crafty Crow for awesome ideas!

I'm sure we'll need some other activities to keep us busy, so I'm also planning to build a fort, play with play-doh, have a sing-a-long, tell stories, get out the Invention Box and continue packing boxes. Looks like we'll be rather busy after all, and I hope we can build some awesome memories from "that time when we all had to stay home because of the swine flu."

First Weekend Away

Last night was one of those times when I had to soak it all in again. To remember how far Cason and I have come. To look at her baby book and remember when we first met. To look at her precious sleeping face at 6 ½ years old and wonder at the mysteries and beauty of life -- to behold the miracle of love.

This past weekend was her first weekend away. I tried desperately not to be too over protective and blow this milestone out of proportion. I doubt I succeeded.  I was the only parent neurotic enough to install her kids’ booster seat in the 15-passenger van. Having not sent her off to kindergarten before, this was a huge step, albeit one of many, toward independence.

As I helped her pack earlier in the day, I felt panicky. Shouldn’t we be having some big talk? Aren’t there some brilliant words of parental wisdom I should be sharing at this moment? Does she really know how important it is to brush her teeth EVERY night?

But then I realized, words wouldn’t really do the trick. Words are what I’ve been throwing at her constantly since the day she was born. I began to realize how much I had relied on words in the last 6 ½ years and how ineffective they really are. I began to wonder what on earth my actions may have unwittingly communicated. I think we always hope as parents that they’ll do as we say, not as we do, and yet we all know that actions speak louder than words. That realization left me in a very uncomfortable place this weekend as I sent her off on her own.

I had all weekend to ponder one tough question:

At home, when no one else is around, am I being the person I want her to become?

Despite my nightmare Friday night that she didn't get breakfast and was too shy to speak up about it, it seems as though she had all her meals and even tried some new food. She went canoeing (one of my personal favorites) and joined the big kids in a game of soccer when her activity finished early. I don't know if she kept her things nice and tidy, but I'm pretty sure she took at least one  shower. One thing I know for sure is she was brave when she missed us, she embraced the moment and had one of the best times of her young life. This weekend helped me to see that we are well on our way. She is as amazing as I think, and despite the tough question I asked myself, I'm pretty sure it's in spite of who I sometimes am.

 

 

Making Time for Family

Every family is busy these days, and ours is certainly no exception. With a father doing doctoral work full-time while holding multiple part-time jobs, a mom who freelances, home-schools and serves on the board of the kids' cooperative preschool, and two very active young children, finding time together is always a paramount concern.

When the challenge came up to blog about finding family time in a freeway world, I decided it would be a good exercise to sit down and think about what we do to protect our time together. Since the beginning of our marriage, Duane and I have been very conscious of protecting our time as a couple. Once the kids came along, it wasn’t any different… we just had to be a little more creative!

Here’s a short list of some intentional things we’ve done to carve out more family time:

• Live near work. When we moved to our current town, we knew we wanted to be within walking distance of campus. That way we could maximize little bits of time that Duane might have in between classes. A picnic lunch at Daddy’s office, or a walk to pick him up could buy an extra 20 minutes with him. Eliminating a 30 minute commute could reclaim up to 20 hours a month!  

• Set aside a family night. With Duane’s performance and class schedule always changing, we realized that there was one night we could pretty much always depend on to be free – Friday night. It also happened to be half price night at our city pool, so Fridays became family swim night and pizza night. I have to admit that a lot of times Duane and I are too tired to do the swimming thing, so sometimes we cop out and get a movie, but it’s always PIZZA night. It’s the one thing the kids can absolutely count on (even if we have to have it at three in the afternoon because of a concert later that night). 

• Limit sports and activities. Our kids participate in just one sport or activity at a time. In addition, we try to keep scheduling down to a minimum on nights and weekends. It’s tough, and sometimes we feel like the only people in America who have this priority, but preserving our family is more important than what type of athlete my child becomes – and I was an athlete growing up. I know that sports can teach valuable things, but so can a loving, relaxed family environment. 

• Protect weekends. We keep one weekend morning completely unscheduled for just family lounging around time. This can be challenging, but we’ve found it to be incredibly rejuvenating not to have to get up and rush somewhere. 

• Prepare meals together. We’ve worked hard to find ways to involve the kids in the kitchen, and it is amazing what they can do and how much they enjoy doing it when you just give them the chance. 

• Limit TV. We’ve talked about this before in terms of what is best for the kids’ brainpower, but it’s also better for the family. When you’re not glued to the TV there is more time for spontaneous, creative things to happen, and these things are usually far better than anything you could have planned because they just happen organically. 

• Celebrate the little things. We celebrate every chance we get around here – first bike ride without training wheels, Daddy passing a big test, the fact that it’s Thursday and we’ve made it through another crazy week. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, just take a few moments as a family to soak up and appreciate these special moments that make life really good. The kids love planning these “little parties” and Cason has become the queen of confetti.

These last two may seem a little extreme, but with everything that demands our time and attention these days, sometimes extreme measures of protecting your family are worth it.

• Home-school. This is a HUGE commitment and is not for everyone, but one I started thinking about long ago (before kids) when Duane was in a very demanding profession. Homeschooling allows for flexibility and family time in a way that public or private school does not. In fact, just this week we were surprised by a last minute day off for Daddy, so we planned a hike and spent the afternoon together just the four of us. The children really needed this after Duane’s tough performance schedule in that last couple of weeks and thanks to homeschooling, we were able to take advantage of it. 

• Live in a small house. When we moved in to our 900-square-foot grad school house, it was only supposed to be for two years. Four years later, we're still here! I will be quick to admit that I am dying to get into a bigger house, but we will most definitely look for something under 2000 square feet. I’ve seen the advantages that a small house has to offer…  and it’s not just vacuuming the whole house without having to unplug!

This post was inspired by the people at Laity Lodge Family Camp. Laity Lodge is an amazing place in the Texas Hill Country that provides a perfect place to get away from it all and reconnect to nature, God and yourself... now you can take the whole family! How fun would family camp be!?!

Protect Your Kids -- Part III

So, how do you work toward the things we've talked about previously?

The most important step is to get a “coach.”  All of the other stuff we've talked about is just a head start on the real planning.  You need to use an attorney who will work with you to create a plan that fits your family, not someone who just fills in the blanks on a glorified form. 

Ask questions and find an attorney who:

1. charges flat fees (not by the hour).
2. will help you coordinate what will happen to your money and who will have access to it.
3. will help you document emergency procedures to provide for your kids in the hours and days following an accident.
4. offers an ongoing membership program to keep your plan up to date.

Estate planning is important for anyone who has children and is a lifetime endeavor. It is never done until you’re gone or disabled.  It’s not a one-time event. There’s no partial credit. If your plan is out of date when you die, it will fail. And you will fail your family. Failure should not be an option.

For more information about family estate planning, visit David Edwards' site or check out Alexis Martin Neely's book, Wear Clean Underwear: A Fast, Fun, Friendly - and essential - Guide to Legal Planning for Busy Parents.

Protect Your Kids -- Part II

As the Coast Guard cutter worked its way meticulously through the search area, I thought of the woman who stopped us on the beach earlier that day. It was the first trip to the beach for my kids (that they could remember) and since the moment we got there, Mama Bear had been on high alert. The ocean is a great place to gain some perspective and be reminded of our small place in the world.

While the kids ran towards the waves and screamed towards shore as the waves crashed in, a woman had stopped beside me, and wistfully said, “Be careful… be careful. We just lost my nephew out here yesterday.” As I watched her walk the beach the rest of the day, looking for his body, I couldn’t help but think about how fleeting life can be. Here are a few more excellent tips about planning for the unthinkable from my friend and estate-planning attorney, David Edwards:

• Don’t assume "it will all just work out." Unless you make your wishes clear, the unthinkable could happen – your kids could go into foster care (even temporarily). Or both sides of the family could get embroiled in a legal battle, each thinking they are pursuing your true wishes by gaining custody of the children. Of course it’s hard to think about death, but get over it. It will be harder for everyone involved if you don’t make a plan. How many parents will research the best car seat, but never do an estate plan? If the car seat is needed, there’s a good chance your estate plan will be, too.
• Your most valuable stuff isn’t stuff. How will you pass your values, traditions, stories, faith and life experiences to your children? A letter or recording from you will be priceless to your kids if the unthinkable happens. (You may feel silly at the time, but I assure you, your kids won’t be laughing at you while they listen.)
• Make your healthcare wishes known through a healthcare directive or healthcare power of attorney. Give access to private health records, authority for consent to treatment and even instructions about “pulling the plug.”

Thinking about these things is never pleasant, but don’t put it off any longer. Your children’s future depends solely on you. Don’t leave it to chance.